Well... Hello everyone... It's been a long time since I sat in front of a computer and had a chance to get some things off of my chest.... As many of you may have notice I have deleted all of my old post... Not real sure why but I guess part of me was afraid that they might surface in the wrong place and possibly hurt me in the long run. Sorry about that.
Anyway since last I was on here a lot has happened in my life... I'm a dad of 2 of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. I live for them and have made it a priority to make sure they have everything and anything they could possibly want. Perhaps I go overboard at times but I always said if I ever had kids they would never know my struggle.
That is a story for another day however, today I really just need to get some things off my chest and let it out. What better avenue then just putting it out for people to maybe get something in return. What the something is I don't know maybe just the knowledge that someone else out there feels what you feel.
As many of you know someone really close to me (My Cousin) committed suicide on February 28 of 2012. It is something that I have yet to get over (and don't think I ever will) and deal with daily. The memories of that night have forever been seared into my mind and the images of what I witnessed have really been bothering me lately. I remember laying in my room, at the time we were living with my sister in law, doing homework when my phone rang. My mom was on the phone crying all I heard was my aunt and killed himself.... from this point it was almost like being outside of my body, watching all this other stuff go on. My wife crying as I walked down the stairs, my sister in law hugging me asking what happened and sobbing uncontrollably. Showing up at my aunts house with cops everywhere and me running to the door only to be held at bay by my uncle and him telling me over and over that he's gone. Me walking away from the scene alone for what seemed like hours trying to make sense of everything that had transpired. To this day I try to understand what I could have changed to be there for my cousin. Did I let him know what he meant to me, did I turn him away when he needed me most. To date that has been the hardest part of dealing with it, the not knowing.
I often get asked "why knives?" or "I don't get why you have a fascination with knives". Well on that fateful night I remember when the coroner finally showed up to remove the body the feeling reality set in. My cousin had really done this and this wasn't just some horrible dream I was going to wake up from. Then the realization that someone had to clean up because we could not allow his mom to do so.
I remember walking into the room and seeing blood everywhere. The carpet in front of the bed was saturated with the most blood I have ever seen. The walls looked like someone had taken a brush with paint and just started splattering everywhere. I was in no way prepared for this sight. My mom and aunt both sobbing in front of the bed trying to soak up as much of the blood as they could. My mom frantically throwing bleach everywhere and anywhere she could to just try and clean. So why knives you ask. Well in that moment we needed a knife to cut out the carpet and just try to remove as much of the blood soaked area as we could. As you may have guessed it I did not have a knife that night. We ended up using a dull kitchen knife to try and cut out as much of the carpet as we could. I latch on to this moment because it was the only thing I could have done to help control the situation. I remember using that same kitchen knife to remove skull fragments out of the wall where I was cleaning. So much blood, I can close my eyes and it's like a high def picture in my brain.
This time of year is always hard for me now. My cousin was always a huge part of the holidays and the anniversary of this horrible event is on the horizon. This year however it seems to have taken more a tole on me. So many things in my life are happening around me and I don't have control over any of it. I worry about those closest to me fighting there own demons, I worry about my parents, my kids, my wife. Am I doing enough, because at one point, I feel, I failed someone who was a huge part of my life.
Well until the next time
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